Sunday, May 1, 2011

34th Block

It's a late summer night and all you hear is the sound of someone smacking a ball. They were playing volleyball in the streets where the bright yellow streetlights shine. The girls count how many times they have hit the same car, and if it appears to be too many, they'll move to the next street light post. But they will never stray too far from the tiny white bungalow with a medium size pine tree and black steel fencing that separates the sidewalk and their front doorsteps because Amy doesn't live in the best neighborhood as Victoria always says. Neighbors that live around her are both young and old. An old lady who's obese to the point that it's hard for her to walk, wears a white cotton crew neck tee shirt with a pair of faded light blue jeans, a gold cross necklace and worn out white athletic shoes sits with a little girl that wears plaid Bermuda shorts with a pink cotton swoop neck tee shirt, tiny floral flip flops and a head full of disheveled light brown hair are sitting on a bench that's on their porch watching the girls bump the white beat up ball back and forth. Across the street, are three guys with bald faded haircuts, mint white air force ones, big saggy black jeans with huge back pockets and bright red crew neck shirt that sit on the little steps of their porch watching the girls bump the white beat up ball back and forth. Occasionally, they would say things like "ay shawty! come closer so I could getta betta look at chu" because their "type" are those who wear short shorts, flip flops with a V-neck tee shirt and hair tied up in a messy pony tail. The girls, Amy and Victoria play till 11:30 and a Chinese lady that speaks mandarin, has curly black and gray hair, wearing ugly red and green pajamas with house slippers comes out and yells at them for bouncing the volleyball late at night. They both have no idea what she said, but she seemed sort of mad so they stop playing and move back to the front doorsteps to have long deep talks about their future and desires while sipping on bottled Ice Mountain water until she they both feel like playing again. It's almost 1 o'clock in the morning and they're still not tired, so they move to the Cermak store that's down the block to play in the wide open parking lot.

That was how our summer nights were spent until the beginning of high school. This was when we both thought that nothing could ever be as perfect because we were both young and beautiful with big dreams. Little did we know, our plans and desires changed to the point where we don't even see one another in our futures. So this summer, I'll still be playing volleyball but with someone else, or maybe just by myself because I love this sport to much to miss out on any chances of playing it. She'll be out with her new friends and doing different things because she loves to be around different people and trying new things. As she moves on the from the past and into the future, I'll still be dwelling on our past.

4 comments:

  1. Across the street are three guys with [bald faded haircuts]? {You mean like a buzzcut?}, mint white Air Force Ones, big saggy black jeans with huge back pockets and bright red crew neck shirts that sitting on the little steps of their porch watching the girls bump the white beat-up ball back and forth.

    The girls, Amy and Victoria, play till 11:30 when a Chinese lady who speaks Mandarin with curly black and gray hair, wearing ugly red and green pajamas with house slippers comes out and yells at them for bouncing the volleyball late at night.

    They both have no idea what she said, but she seemed sort of mad so they stop playing and move back to the front doorsteps to have long deep talks about their future and desires while sipping on bottled Ice Mountain water until they both feel like playing again.

    So this summer I'll still be playing volleyball, but with someone else, or maybe just by myself because I love this sport too much to miss out on any chances of playing it.

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  2. Cute story!!!!

    "An old lady who's obese to the point that it's hard for her to walk, wears a white cotton crew neck tee shirt with a pair of faded light blue jeans, a gold cross necklace and worn out white athletic shoes sits with a little girl that wears plaid Bermuda shorts with a pink cotton swoop neck tee shirt, tiny floral flip flops and a head full of disheveled light brown hair are sitting on a bench that's on their porch watching the girls bump the white beat up ball back and forth."
    This is SUPER long. Try to avoid run-on sentences by splitting them up into multiple sentences. There are a few other run-on sentences, so just try to fix those.
    There are also contractions, which I think you also want to avoid...I'll, it's, etc.
    Maybe explain more of what happens in this story instead of focusing so much on the descriptions of people. Or just add more story to balance out all the descriptions.
    Overall, good job!! I really like the ending :)

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  3. I love volleyball too so I can relate to the main character playing even if it meant alone.
    The descriptions are a little too decriptive. I must admit I did get a little tired of reading what kind of T-shirts people were wearing. Is there any way you can seperate the first paragragh into smaller sections it's really bulky and made me a little confused beacuse felt as if it ran on too long.
    I believe that, Amy doesn't live in the best neighborhood should be in quotations.
    Also with the descriptions can make a different variety in them. They all pretty much describe the same aspect of the people (physical appearance). It would be nice to incooperate the girls ideas and actions and describe them more.

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  4. The descriptions are really good, you can really get a feel for what everyone looks like. But I agree with everyone about the run-on sentences. I think if you added in some short sentences it would have a much greater effect. Good story though!

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